may 11, 2025

Today is my first mother’s day ever. It feels surreal, beautiful, nerve-wracking. I am getting more and more ready to identify with this identity and yet — there is a profound sadness. A deep longing and fear that tells me this is the end of an era. Lately I’ve been feeling a lot more anxious and unsettled. Partially due to the doctor appointments and partially because my mind then takes what is happening and spins it into something else. I can’t but feel helpless when this happens, lost in orbit. spinning out of control like what the F is happening is happening to my life and what the hell am I doing with it? I feel lost, lonely, alone in this mixture of feelings and afraid of judgement all the freaking time. I know today is supposed to be beautiful but I suppose I should allow myself to feel. Not to dwell but to feel the feels that have come chasing me. It doesn’t change the facts or anything about what is happening. We are having a baby and I am becoming a mother. The dichotomy in me cries out because this is what it is. Mother’s day is here and so am I.