compound disaster
Mood
I’m extremely lucky these days. And yet - between the pandemic and racial reckoning and politics and wildfires and overall ongoing panic - I am struggling.
If you have the energy: check out this piece on surge capacity. It’s wild but makes complete sense. We’re living through an unheard of compound disaster and our brains can’t keep up with processing. We’ve used up our “rainy day” brain power funds and have been running on empty for what…nearly 5 months now?
I’ve come to the realization that most of my self-worth pre-2020 was built upon this image of being a productive human being. Aka having lots of plans, getting stuff done and being a supportive friend and human. What I pride myself on has been stripped away. (Maybe I should reassess what to pride myself on)
These days I don’t have the energy to go 100% in personal or work life, much less both. I don’t have the energy to check in with others even though I want to.
I applaud myself for getting through the day, fix some food and then collapse on the couch or bed to mindlessly scroll. Before long 2 hours go by and I’m mad at myself for not doing something more “productive.”
One of the lessons I’ve learned about anxiety management is to give it a set time to rear. So you say: “No anxiety - stay right there. You don’t get to rear your head yet, not until 6pm today.” But sometimes there’s a constant buzz throughout.
Over time I’ve become more lenient on myself. So I let myself work from bed now. Why waste energy fighting internal battles when there’s so much more at stake?
I’m somewhat of a robot these days. Learning to operate on low battery and sometimes airplane mode as needed.
It’s a subconscious energy preservation, like my body is bracing for the long haul.
If I ignore you, just come back tomorrow. Or maybe the day after.
I reply when I’m recharged.